Here We Go Again

I have to say, it doesn't get any easier. As much as I tell people "I'm alright" and "Hey, I'm used to it by now" it doesn't mean it hurts any less...I just tend to put up walls. So after the last miscarriage and surgery, Chris and I waited a month and decided to try and conceive again. I didn't realize that we had actually had sex on my ovulation date, but we did (according to my ipod app-haha). A couple of weeks later Chris and I had made plans to go to the casino with friends. I was supposed to begin menstruating that morning but nothing came...I had a feeling I was pregnant again. I had gone to lunch earlier with a friend and we both got food poisoning from our lunch. I was sick for 6 days after. But after leaving the casino, I was feeling sick and told Chris we had to get a pregnancy test - I have no patience to wait until morning. At 12:30am on a Sunday morning we drove around Glastonbury and Colchester looking for any open gas station, CVS, etc. There was nothing open! We finally went to a 24-hour CVS near our home and picked up a two pack of pregnancy tests. I took one as soon as we got home and got a positive result. I decided I would wait until Monday morning to take the next test. Sunday I told my parents about how I had decided to quit my job and enroll in the Nursing Program at Goodwin College in May. As my entire family sat in the kitchen, I told them I would have to take off time in the Fall in order to have a baby. I got the, "you're lying, no way" line from my family...but they didn't seem too excited - more like concerned. After taking the second test Monday and having another positive result, we told Chris' side of the family - who also sounded excited for us, but concerned/worried at the same time. They didn't want us to get our hopes up again, with good reason. I made an appointment to have an ultrasound done at 8 weeks. I swear the weeks get longer and longer while waiting for those ultrasounds and when they finally come - you don't want to go! At about 6 weeks I started having severe cramps and I wasn't sure if it was an ovarian cyst or not. I had foolishly read on the internet that certain cysts can actually release the HCG hormone giving false test results. Being the worry wart that I am, I made an appointment at 6 weeks to meet with my doctor. I was nervous that the ultrasound would come back with results that I was not pregnant. With school beginning in a few short months - I was okay with that outcome. Yes, I wanted a baby - but I knew if that wasn't the case this time around - we would have other opportunities. At least this way, I could finish school earlier and not have to take a leave of absence.
I was still working at Wells Fargo Advisors at the time and took off an hour of work to go to the doctors in Wethersfield. After working a 12 hour shift, Chris was great enough to drive to see me at my appointment. I was nervous as all hell going into that exam. I kept telling myself, either way, there is a positive outcome to this; 1) We have a baby or 2) I get to finish school early. There was a pause before the doctor spoke. She said "well, there is a pregnancy in the uterus"...I was waiting for the BUT....
.....well, we got a BIG BUT! She says to us, "but, there are two babies...you are having twins! Congratulations!" I immediately screamed out I KNEW IT! I figured it was either a cyst or twins since my pregnancy symptoms were far worse this time around. I was constantly nauseous, crampy and moody. My skin was breaking out and I felt a lot more hormonal than during my previous pregnancy. We both could not stop smiling! She did tell us that one embryo looked VERY healthy and had a wonderful heartbeat while the other looked more collapsed and was more likely to be absorbed by my body. This was called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and is very common. Most mothers don't have early ultrasounds so it was likely we would not have seen the second embryo at the 8 week ultrasound. I went back to work and spread the news that I was having twins. I didn't care who knew because in a few short days, I would no longer be working there and wouldn't speak to most of my co-workers again. Then as always, things got worse.
At almost 8 weeks (3 days before my ultrasound) I felt strange. I didn't have pregnancy symptoms anymore. I didn't feel the same as I had for the last 7 weeks. I knew something wasn't right. And because I worry so much, my family and friends all told me everything was fine and I was just nervous. I know everyone is trying to be kind and supportive of me - but I know when something is not right - and telling me otherwise just upset me even more. I almost felt like screaming to everyone - YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! But I kept it to myself (until now apparently!) My mother met us at the ultrasound in Bloomfield and the three of us nervously waited for the ultrasound. Once it began - I knew the babies were dead. The ultrasound tech kept looking at my cyst (which has deflated) and it seemed like she didn't want to get to the embryo. When she skimmed across, I saw that there was no heartbeat. Chris squeezed my hand - I knew he saw it as well. The second embryo was gone as well. I looked at my Mom and saw that she began to tear up. I felt like I had let her and everyone else down. Chris' family and my family all want a grandchild, niece, cousin, etc....and I let them all down. We got the "I'm terribly sorry there is no heartbeat" from the ultrasound tech. I tried to remain strong so I told her it was alright and that we were used to this news. I got dressed and Chris and I went into another room to meet with a midwife to discuss further options. My Mom went outside to call my father. The midwife came in and gave her apologies - I remained strong. She told me it was okay to be upset and I told her I was fine...she said I may not be later on today so I needed to take it easy. Boy was she right. I received a shot in the butt (what a pain in the ass) because I am O- for blood type and it was a RHOgam shot - given to patients who are RH-. I'm pretty good with needles so it was no big deal to me - had it done previously.
Chris, my mother and I went out to breakfast afterwards, we didn't speak too much about the doctor appointment. It was St. Patrick's Day so Chris and I had planned to go to my mother's house for dinner with a group of friends and old co-workers. Once we got home, I told Chris I just wanted to lay down for a bit. It was then, while laying all alone with only my thoughts, that I started to cry. I felt like a failure. I still do. I know it is not something that I can prevent, but there is something wrong with my body that is preventing me from giving my husband a child and my parents a grandchild. It was all my fault. I texted Chris that I was sorry for letting him down and he came into the bedroom to console me. So much for being strong!! I told friends and family on facebook about what had happened. I'm not sure why I mentioned it on facebook but again, I feel like I am the type of person that needs to write things down. I don't believe I did it for sympathy or attention - but I'm sure others conceived it that way. Oh well.

I was blessed to have such wonderful family and friends supporting Chris and I. We received multiple condolence cards in the mail and beautiful flowers from my family and my Aunt and Uncle. It was then that I realized I shouldn't be ashamed of the miscarriage. It happens to so many women and many don't speak about it. That is why I decided to start this blog. I want people to know every detail of what Chris and I are going through to start our family. We are not the only ones out there going through this and if we can put another couple's mind at ease - than why not share? I know with enough love, support and prayers - this miracle will happen for us and I want those that I love to take part in that miracle!

The next week (which was actually last week) I had my D&C. I was sent to a different outpatient facility in Hartford Hospital. Not a fan. We arrived at 8:15am to be admitted. My surgery was scheduled for 9:45am and I was not seen by the doctors until 11:00am. Poor Chris had to wait until 1:00pm to take me home - talk about a long exhausting day...at least I was able to take a nice (drug induced) nap/coma. Just like before, it is easier to cope with the loss once the baby is out of your body. I cried a little today thinking about the babies we lost, but thats about it. I've been having a lot of painful cramps and heavy bleeding in the last couple of days. Today I found a lot of clotting. I called the doctor and I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I hope that next week I will be able to schedule an appointment to have a battery of tests done to see why the miscarriages keep occurring. The tissue from my uterus was sent to the genetics lab for testing. We are not sure if they will be able to test for issues at such an early stage in the pregnancy. We shall see. I would like to know if this is a chromosomal issue, a uterine issue, a genetics issue....just to know if this will keep happening. If so, we will have to explore other options. I'd rather not think about that at this time.

The good news is, Chris has good sperm (I know, TMI) and the other great news is we know I can conceive. Those are not the issues (which can be costly issues if that were the case). We will have to play the waiting game I guess to see what the issue(s) is/are. The doctor told us that 60% of pregnancies after two miscarriages go on to be successful. All I know is, from the day I find out I am pregnant until the day the baby is born - I will be a nervous wreck. I'm going to have to invest in yoga classes or acupuncture (maybe even therapy) to get over the overwhelming worry I'm sure to have. I know deep down there is no point in worrying since there is nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage -but don't blame me for worrying.

I will update you all tomorrow afternoon with results from the doctors visit.