New development

Hi everyone who reads this (if anyone reads this!) - - -

I have begun several different series of tests to determine why I have been having miscarriages. Two weeks after the D&C, the tissue was grown in a lab and showed that there were no genetic abnormalities with the tissues. This basically means no down syndrome issues or other genetic malfunctions. Next, 6 viles of blood were taken from me and 2 from Chris. We have yet to receive some of the panel of bloodwork back but as soon as we hear back - I'll keep everyone posted. I had a procedure done on Tuesday known as a Water Ultrasound. A catheter was placed into my uterus and a routin ultrasound was performed by a nurse. They found that I had a fist sized uterine polyp. Polyps in the uterine lining are not cancerous or even pre-cancerous. I will have surgery (a lot like the D&C) in a couple of weeks to have it removed. The doctor asked that I continue to use birth control methods until 1 menstrual cycle after the surgery - then we can try to conceive again. Chris and I are still in discuss of what we want to do...not exactly sure.

Here is some more info on polyps:

A polyp is an overgrowth of tissue in the lining (endometrium) of the uterus. The concept is similar to that of a skin tag - basically normal tissue, but growing in an abnormal formation.

Many polyps are very small (a few millimeters in diameter) and do not represent a compromise to reproductive capabilities. However, large polyps - or multiple polyps - can interfere with reproduction by causing infertility, or by increasing risks for miscarriage.

Nothing new going on...

...but all is well

Nursing

Completely unrelated topic to what the blog is about...but its a blog - and I feel like writing. Yesterday I attended the wedding of my two good friends Steve and Jenn. While sitting at our corner table with a few of our dancing friends we started to talk about school and jobs. Jenn is an RN who absolutely loves her job and is damn good at it I'm sure. She is one of the reasons I chose to go into nursing - she is definitely an inspiration! Two other people at the table, Chris who is in his 40's and Tracy who is in her late 20's are also nurses. They both attended Goodwin College as well (the school I will be attending). Tracy was talking about how VERY expensive it was to attend school there and Chris was talking about how Goodwin may lose their accreditation due to the lack of nursing students passing their exams. How AWFUL would it be if I completed all of my courses then they lost accreditation?! I wouldn't be able to find a job and I would be stuck with hellish student loans. This has definitely got me second guessing a lot of things. I think I will call or e-mail the college counselors tomorrow to see if they honestly believe this will go into affect. I have about 2 weeks to drop all of my courses and get a refund of my loan (I hope) so I need to find out soon. I could always look into attending other colleges that are further away from me but will remain accredited. This is definitely a HUGE commitment and I don't want to leave Chris and I in heavy debt - especially since I am no longer working. A lot to consider in a short amount of time.

I know with me no longer working I can make school a priority. I'm nervous about going back, of course, but I have the motivation to do very well in the classes and I am definitely a lot more mature and head strong than I was when I was in college the first time around.

Hopefully I can work all of this out in the next week - I hope I can remain at Goodwin and their accreditation  will remain. This is definitely going to give me a stress ulcer...

Good News So Far!!!

So today was my post op doctors visit with Dr. Shaneyfelt. It appears that although I had some concerns (because I was lifting and being active WAY too soon) I have nothing to worry about. Everything healed properly and everything looks great! I am being sent to get blood drawn to test for blood clot disorders as well as the hubby and I are being tested for chromosomal abnormalities. I will also be getting what is called a water ultrasound to check my uterus out. They put a nice catheter in my uterus, fill it with water and check things out. Not looking forward to it - but if it rules out any issues, I'm happy to do it. My doctor kept reiterating that she thinks both miscarriages were a fluke. As she had said before, 60% of women go on to have a healthy baby after a second miscarriage. She believes that there is nothing wrong with me but it can't hurt to get tested for any issues. I may begin taking progesterone if I get pregnant again to help aide in the pregnancy. I'll be getting the blood drawn Thursday and ultrasound on the 19th so I will update what they find after those tests have been completed. I'm hoping that there is nothing wrong with Chris or myself and we can go on to have a normal pregnancy - but honestly, there is nothing we can do about it so no sense in worrying about it....easier said than done! Am I right?!

I know if we go on to have a healthy pregnancy we will cherish this child more so because of the struggle we had to go through to conceive, but I often think about those who struggle for YEARS to have children and do not succeed. I hope to one day have those people's strength.

Doctor Appointment Tomorrow

Just a quick update: I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow for a post op visit. I'm not sure if they have the results from the genetics lab yet but I will definitely be looking into it. I have a lot of questions to ask the doctor at tomorrow's visit (poor lady) :0)

I'll update with what I know.

A Down Day

We all have them, days we just want to fast forward through. Today is one of those days for me. I feel like I am stuck in a sort of limbo. I'm unable to exercise, unable to lift things (which I need to do a lot of things around the house), I'm exhausted all day and have a difficult time getting out of bed due to the medication and I'm suffering from severe cramps a couple of times throughout the day. I feel lazy. I feel like a bum and there is nothing I can do about it at this time. I still have another week before I can start being active again. I'm really looking forward to being able to play softball, go outside and run around with my dog and begin to get healthy by exercising. I guess I'm just in a rut for the last couple of days. I ordered my school books yesterday and now I'm beginning to get a bit nervous about going back to school. Because I quit working to attend classes I have no excuse to get anything but A's in all of my classes. I have no more distractions - I need to do well in school so I can make the Nursing Program on my first attempt in the Spring. I've also been spending a lot of time alone watching Law and Order: SVU. Probably not the best show to be watching. There are always characters with babies and individuals losing their babies or throwing them out. I'm also unable to watch a show that I became very fond of: One Born Every Minute. I find myself getting more depressed thinking about even watching the show. Hopefully I can get over that soon because it really is an informative show to watch. Again, this is me being impatient. I don't enjoy the waiting game and I'm not very good at it. I just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with my body and it will be a couple more weeks before I find anything out.

Oh Happy Day...For Someone Else

Today I am feeling angry, upset, confused, sad and joyful. A lot of different emotions to be feeling at one time. I had a difficult time falling asleep last night because I was thinking of a friend and his situation. Today, an old friend of mine is having a baby. The due date is tomorrow but they decided to induce labor today since the mother has been dilated for a couple of days now. I feel happy for my dear friend who is bringing a child into this world, but I'm also very upset and confused. See, my friend and his girlfriend are not married. They are not even living together at the moment. He tells me they fight constantly and they don't trust each other for good reasons. Yet, they have been blessed to have a child. This will be the first child for my friend (29) and the third child for his girlfriend (23). I believe I am more confused than jealous or upset. Why is it that a couple who had no plans for a child and is not ready to bring a child into this world financially has been blessed with one? Why is it that Chris and I, who are emotionally and financially ready to have a child are unable to successfully have one? I know the saying, "its not fair...well, life is not fair" is true - but it doesn't make it suck any less. There are so many teen moms (as seen on 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom 1 and 2) that are having children because of a lapse in judgment. They are able to easily conceive and have a child, while there are thousands of us out there who are willing but unable to have a child. All my life I thought about when I would get married and have kids. In the back of my mind, I honestly believed that I would have issues having a child. I didn't know I was actually right. I know there are plenty of couples in the world who are going through the same thing as us. Many couples have tried for decades to have a child through many different methods. I'm not looking for sympathy. We have only been trying for a couple of months now. But we keep having these false hopes and let downs while other individuals seem to easily be having children. I'm sure our time will come to be parents at some point, whether we adopt or have a child of our own. The waiting game is a difficult one though.

Don't get me wrong, I wish my friend and his girlfriend a lifetime of blessings, happiness and joy. I'm sure they will both make wonderful parents. But I hope they realize just how lucky they truly are and what a blessing they have on the way today. Best of luck to baby Andrew and his parents!

Not so much

I had a scheduled doctor's appointment today at 1:45pm for a post-op follow up. Unfortunately whomever scheduled me appointment was not aware that my doctor would not be in the Wethersfield office today. Hopefully I do not have anymore issues and I can wait until next Tuesday for my post-op visit. After speaking with my doctor over the phone, she decided that at our next visit we would decide which tests would be administered to me in the following weeks. It will be a couple more weeks but hopefully Chris and I can find out soon what issues we may be having in trying to have a baby. I will keep everyone up to date through the blog.

Here We Go Again

I have to say, it doesn't get any easier. As much as I tell people "I'm alright" and "Hey, I'm used to it by now" it doesn't mean it hurts any less...I just tend to put up walls. So after the last miscarriage and surgery, Chris and I waited a month and decided to try and conceive again. I didn't realize that we had actually had sex on my ovulation date, but we did (according to my ipod app-haha). A couple of weeks later Chris and I had made plans to go to the casino with friends. I was supposed to begin menstruating that morning but nothing came...I had a feeling I was pregnant again. I had gone to lunch earlier with a friend and we both got food poisoning from our lunch. I was sick for 6 days after. But after leaving the casino, I was feeling sick and told Chris we had to get a pregnancy test - I have no patience to wait until morning. At 12:30am on a Sunday morning we drove around Glastonbury and Colchester looking for any open gas station, CVS, etc. There was nothing open! We finally went to a 24-hour CVS near our home and picked up a two pack of pregnancy tests. I took one as soon as we got home and got a positive result. I decided I would wait until Monday morning to take the next test. Sunday I told my parents about how I had decided to quit my job and enroll in the Nursing Program at Goodwin College in May. As my entire family sat in the kitchen, I told them I would have to take off time in the Fall in order to have a baby. I got the, "you're lying, no way" line from my family...but they didn't seem too excited - more like concerned. After taking the second test Monday and having another positive result, we told Chris' side of the family - who also sounded excited for us, but concerned/worried at the same time. They didn't want us to get our hopes up again, with good reason. I made an appointment to have an ultrasound done at 8 weeks. I swear the weeks get longer and longer while waiting for those ultrasounds and when they finally come - you don't want to go! At about 6 weeks I started having severe cramps and I wasn't sure if it was an ovarian cyst or not. I had foolishly read on the internet that certain cysts can actually release the HCG hormone giving false test results. Being the worry wart that I am, I made an appointment at 6 weeks to meet with my doctor. I was nervous that the ultrasound would come back with results that I was not pregnant. With school beginning in a few short months - I was okay with that outcome. Yes, I wanted a baby - but I knew if that wasn't the case this time around - we would have other opportunities. At least this way, I could finish school earlier and not have to take a leave of absence.
I was still working at Wells Fargo Advisors at the time and took off an hour of work to go to the doctors in Wethersfield. After working a 12 hour shift, Chris was great enough to drive to see me at my appointment. I was nervous as all hell going into that exam. I kept telling myself, either way, there is a positive outcome to this; 1) We have a baby or 2) I get to finish school early. There was a pause before the doctor spoke. She said "well, there is a pregnancy in the uterus"...I was waiting for the BUT....
.....well, we got a BIG BUT! She says to us, "but, there are two babies...you are having twins! Congratulations!" I immediately screamed out I KNEW IT! I figured it was either a cyst or twins since my pregnancy symptoms were far worse this time around. I was constantly nauseous, crampy and moody. My skin was breaking out and I felt a lot more hormonal than during my previous pregnancy. We both could not stop smiling! She did tell us that one embryo looked VERY healthy and had a wonderful heartbeat while the other looked more collapsed and was more likely to be absorbed by my body. This was called Vanishing Twin Syndrome and is very common. Most mothers don't have early ultrasounds so it was likely we would not have seen the second embryo at the 8 week ultrasound. I went back to work and spread the news that I was having twins. I didn't care who knew because in a few short days, I would no longer be working there and wouldn't speak to most of my co-workers again. Then as always, things got worse.
At almost 8 weeks (3 days before my ultrasound) I felt strange. I didn't have pregnancy symptoms anymore. I didn't feel the same as I had for the last 7 weeks. I knew something wasn't right. And because I worry so much, my family and friends all told me everything was fine and I was just nervous. I know everyone is trying to be kind and supportive of me - but I know when something is not right - and telling me otherwise just upset me even more. I almost felt like screaming to everyone - YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! But I kept it to myself (until now apparently!) My mother met us at the ultrasound in Bloomfield and the three of us nervously waited for the ultrasound. Once it began - I knew the babies were dead. The ultrasound tech kept looking at my cyst (which has deflated) and it seemed like she didn't want to get to the embryo. When she skimmed across, I saw that there was no heartbeat. Chris squeezed my hand - I knew he saw it as well. The second embryo was gone as well. I looked at my Mom and saw that she began to tear up. I felt like I had let her and everyone else down. Chris' family and my family all want a grandchild, niece, cousin, etc....and I let them all down. We got the "I'm terribly sorry there is no heartbeat" from the ultrasound tech. I tried to remain strong so I told her it was alright and that we were used to this news. I got dressed and Chris and I went into another room to meet with a midwife to discuss further options. My Mom went outside to call my father. The midwife came in and gave her apologies - I remained strong. She told me it was okay to be upset and I told her I was fine...she said I may not be later on today so I needed to take it easy. Boy was she right. I received a shot in the butt (what a pain in the ass) because I am O- for blood type and it was a RHOgam shot - given to patients who are RH-. I'm pretty good with needles so it was no big deal to me - had it done previously.
Chris, my mother and I went out to breakfast afterwards, we didn't speak too much about the doctor appointment. It was St. Patrick's Day so Chris and I had planned to go to my mother's house for dinner with a group of friends and old co-workers. Once we got home, I told Chris I just wanted to lay down for a bit. It was then, while laying all alone with only my thoughts, that I started to cry. I felt like a failure. I still do. I know it is not something that I can prevent, but there is something wrong with my body that is preventing me from giving my husband a child and my parents a grandchild. It was all my fault. I texted Chris that I was sorry for letting him down and he came into the bedroom to console me. So much for being strong!! I told friends and family on facebook about what had happened. I'm not sure why I mentioned it on facebook but again, I feel like I am the type of person that needs to write things down. I don't believe I did it for sympathy or attention - but I'm sure others conceived it that way. Oh well.

I was blessed to have such wonderful family and friends supporting Chris and I. We received multiple condolence cards in the mail and beautiful flowers from my family and my Aunt and Uncle. It was then that I realized I shouldn't be ashamed of the miscarriage. It happens to so many women and many don't speak about it. That is why I decided to start this blog. I want people to know every detail of what Chris and I are going through to start our family. We are not the only ones out there going through this and if we can put another couple's mind at ease - than why not share? I know with enough love, support and prayers - this miracle will happen for us and I want those that I love to take part in that miracle!

The next week (which was actually last week) I had my D&C. I was sent to a different outpatient facility in Hartford Hospital. Not a fan. We arrived at 8:15am to be admitted. My surgery was scheduled for 9:45am and I was not seen by the doctors until 11:00am. Poor Chris had to wait until 1:00pm to take me home - talk about a long exhausting day...at least I was able to take a nice (drug induced) nap/coma. Just like before, it is easier to cope with the loss once the baby is out of your body. I cried a little today thinking about the babies we lost, but thats about it. I've been having a lot of painful cramps and heavy bleeding in the last couple of days. Today I found a lot of clotting. I called the doctor and I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I hope that next week I will be able to schedule an appointment to have a battery of tests done to see why the miscarriages keep occurring. The tissue from my uterus was sent to the genetics lab for testing. We are not sure if they will be able to test for issues at such an early stage in the pregnancy. We shall see. I would like to know if this is a chromosomal issue, a uterine issue, a genetics issue....just to know if this will keep happening. If so, we will have to explore other options. I'd rather not think about that at this time.

The good news is, Chris has good sperm (I know, TMI) and the other great news is we know I can conceive. Those are not the issues (which can be costly issues if that were the case). We will have to play the waiting game I guess to see what the issue(s) is/are. The doctor told us that 60% of pregnancies after two miscarriages go on to be successful. All I know is, from the day I find out I am pregnant until the day the baby is born - I will be a nervous wreck. I'm going to have to invest in yoga classes or acupuncture (maybe even therapy) to get over the overwhelming worry I'm sure to have. I know deep down there is no point in worrying since there is nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage -but don't blame me for worrying.

I will update you all tomorrow afternoon with results from the doctors visit.

Heartbreak for the First Time

As many of you know, Chris and I suffered a miscarriage this month. What many of you may not know is that this isn't the first time. My husband and I knew when we got married that we wanted to have children...2, maybe 3. I had gone back and forth after our June 26, 2009 wedding on when I wanted to conceive. I must have drove Chris CRAZY because each week I wanted a different thing. First, I wanted to have kids right away. The next week, I wanted to lose more weight before we began having children. The week after that, I wanted to have kids and then a month later I wanted to wait until we were financially stable and we had moved into a house with enough room for a child to grow in. It wasn't until more than a year later that we decided to let nature run its course and "see what happens." By this time, I was no longer taking birth control pills and I secretly began using iphone apps to see when I would start ovulating. I say "secretly" but it was no secret - Chris just didn't want the "mood" to be ruined with me screaming out I'M OVULATING...so I kept it to myself. In September of 2010, I found out I was pregnant. My first instinct after only missing my period by 10 hours or so, was to buy a three pack of pregnancy tests. I was at work at the time and asked a co-worker/friend to go with me to CVS. I was terribly nervous to take the test but she assured me that no matter the outcome everything would be alright. I took the test as soon as I got back to work and I was SHOCKED to see that it was positive. I had never seen a positive test in my life, I reread the instructions over and over again to make sure I was doing it correctly. I decided to call Chris so I went outside the building and made the phone call. "Chris, how much do you love me?" His response, "a lot, why?" Then I told him I was pregnant. You could hear the sheer joy in his voice..he was ecstatic - I was happy/confused/nervous/scared/elated. I didn't know what I was feeling at the time. I ran back into the office and told my friend the results - she jumped up and down for joy and thats when it hit me, this was a good thing - something I wanted! Not believing the test, an hour later I took another one....Positive results.
If I remember correctly my parents were out looking at cars or out doing something at the time when I called to tell them the news. "Umm, you're going to be grandparents." You could tell my parents were also very excited - but busy, so I got off the phone with them. I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day. I ended up taking THREE more tests just to be sure and all said POSITIVE. I wasn't happy with my current OB/GYN's nursing staff so I asked around the office to some close co-workers who had several young children who they went to. I changed my OB/GYN to CT Multispecialty Group with offices all over CT. I am very happy with the customer service and professionalism of the entire team in all the offices I have visited. I was petrified to go to my first ultrasound. I went at around 6 weeks to the Bloomfield office. After getting the internal ultrasound done we were sent back into the waiting room. You could tell Chris was upset with me that I wasn't more excited to see a baby and a heartbeat - but I knew deep down things were not all right. We got called back into the office to meet with one of the midwifes. She told us that at 6 weeks the heartbeat should be a bit stronger. The embryo had a heartbeat but it was very weak. I would have to revisit the doctors office in one week. What a LOOOONG week that was. I wasn't feeling much in the symptoms department. Not too much nausea in general and I had sore breasts, but that was about it. Chris had to work during my next appointment and it is nearly impossible for him to take any time off with the type of job he does so I went to my appointment alone. I had a feeling I wouldn't be receiving great news and I didn't want anyone else to be there with me - I hate crying in front of others. After a couple of minutes into the ultrasound, the tech looked at me with a very sorrowful expression and said, "Dear, I am so sorry. There is no more heartbeat." She said she'd give me a minute to get dressed and to make a phone call or two then I would visit the midwife again. I put on my game face and told the technician, "Its okay. I'll be fine."...but then I made my first phone call. I called Chris at work and told him there was no heartbeat. Still to this day actually saying the words "there is no heartbeat" is what makes me break down. Hearing it out loud coming from my mouth makes it official. I called my mother, my father, my brother and texted some friends that knew. The support began flowing in and I was happy to know I had such loving friends and family that would support us through this ordeal.
Unfortunately, I had to return to work. I guess I thought I would be fine and I could handle it but minutes after returning to work, I broke down crying. My boss was out of the office at the time so I asked the operations specialist if I could go home. I had to tell her I WAS pregnant and that I had miscarried today and she was kind enough to understand and let me go home early. I spent the rest of the day crying in my bedroom, waiting for Chris to get home from work. It wasn't until I put on the news and saw Dr. Petit releasing a statement about his family that was brutally murdered that I stopped crying. I realized then, things could be worse. I could have spent 12 and 17 years with my child and then lost them. I thought about a client of ours that delivered a stillborn baby. I lost the baby at 7 weeks, it was still tough - but there were people out there that were suffering much worse than I was. It was then that I stopped crying.
A couple of days later I was sent for outpatient surgery in Hartford to get a D&C (dilate and curretage). **Thank you Michael for taking the time to drop me off there**The procedure would take approximately 45 minutes and would involve dilating my cervix and removing the lining of the uterus and its contents. It was there that I met Dr. Shaneyfelt. Ever since that surgery, I made her my primary and I have met with her a couple of times since. We feel very comfortable with my doctor which is something I believe we need at a time like this. After the surgery was complete (under anesthesia) I awoke from the surgery an hour later and went home with Chris. I laid down for the rest of the day and only felt minor cramping for a few short days later. Honestly, after the D&C is complete - for me - it is easier to cope with miscarriage. Up until then, the baby is still inside of you...still a part of you. that was difficult to deal with.
After an operation of this type, it is recommended that a couple wait until one complete menstrual cycle to begin trying to conceive again. The D&C occurred in November of 2010....after a month of waiting...we conceived in January of 2011...so begins the next story.....

The Beginning of Something Cathartic

I had some reservations about starting this blog. I wasn't sure if the subject of the blog was something that should remain a personal matter or should be shared with the public. I wasn't sure if people would think I was looking for attention and sympathy. The truth is though; I need this. I am known in my family as someone who tends to share a little too much about my life through facebook statuses and tweets. What did I eat for breakfast? What are my plans for the day? How am I feeling? If you want to know, just check facebook. I have always been someone who can voice their opinion, thoughts, feelings, etc better through writing rather than vocally. You will always find me with a list of things to do. If I need to speak with Chris about an important issue, you will find it in a letter. Do I need to apologize for something? You'll find it in an "I'm Sorry" card. For me, writing this blog is a way to heal and if I can help others by sharing what I am going through, than that is an added bonus. With so many family members and friends living out of state, this is also a way to keep them informed of what is happening in Chris' and my life. This blog's content will mostly cover what my husband and I have and will go through in order to conceive.
We have been married nearly two years and have been together for almost four years.  We live in a beautiful home in Windsor, CT and we have two wonderful pets; a dog, Bender and a cat, Fry. Chris is currently employed at a well paying job that has allowed me to quit my job at Wells Fargo Advisors to pursue a career in Nursing. At ages 25 and 30 - we seem to be doing pretty well...and we are...but something is missing. We bought the three bedroom home with the hopes of filling the house with our own family...so far, no such luck.